Daddy, I Don’t Want To Live In The World Your Website Has Created

A satirical piece on the satirical site of The Onion imagines Mark Zuckerberg’s daughter writing to her father criticizing Facebook

Daddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means a lot to you, so as your daughter I’ve always tried to keep quiet whenever it comes up. But I just can’t stay silent anymore. It’s time for me to stand up for what’s right.

I don’t want to live in the world your website has created, Daddy.

You said Facebook would be a new way for everyone to connect and make friends, but I’ve noticed most of those connections are kind of superficial. I think the site has probably done more dividing than uniting, don’t you? It pretty much just reinforces people’s biases, spreads a lot of lies, and fills our world with hate. That has made it easier for politicians and corporations to manipulate people. Now everyone is worse off, and it’s all your fault!

By the way, it doesn’t help that you use people’s data to sell advertisements. Nobody likes it when you do this. Nobody. You know that, right, Daddy? So why do you do it?

Everybody says you’re really smart, but why would a smart person want to build something that makes people unhappy? Daddy, be honest: Did you make your website bad on purpose? In your Senate hearing, you said you didn’t know all the ways it was hurting people. But if you made the whole website, wouldn’t you know everything about it, even all the bad things it can do to people? It seems like you’re lying to everybody—even me. Aren’t you worried about how I will grow up in this terrifying world that you, personally, have given us? Doesn’t that matter to you?

Come on, Daddy. The whole thing is so completely obvious. All you and your website do is hurt people. I mean, really, what you did to journalism alone! You created a platform that cripples publishers and severely limits the reach of their content. Facebook made it so hardly anyone can afford to pay reporters anymore. And it made people stop trusting the news. Don’t you understand how essential a free press is to preserving our democracy? Don’t you know anything about the Constitution?

Christ, Daddy, didn’t you go to Harvard?

When you really think about it, it’s not that surprising that you got the whole idea for your big website when you were in college and wanted a way to vote on which girls you thought were pretty. If only you’d just had enough self-esteem to trust that you’d eventually marry someone nice like Mommy, then maybe all this trouble could’ve been avoided.

You know, Daddy, you don’t have to work on your website forever. Maybe you could get a different job! My friend Madison’s daddy is a doctor. He helps sick people get better. I want to tell my friends that my daddy has a job where he helps people. Sometimes I’m so ashamed of what you do that I tell them I don’t have a dad at all. Seriously, Daddy, have you ever helped anyone in your whole life?

Is it all about the money? You have $72 billion, money that came from hurting people. When will it be enough? Remember, no matter how much you donate to charity, people will always remember you as a bad person who created a bad thing. That makes me sad, and it should make you sad, too. Daddy, how do you sleep at night knowing that so many people hate you?

You say you want people to connect, but with all the bad things you do, you’re just pushing me further and further away. I’m not sure I even know who you are deep down. And I’m not sure I really want to know the person who created this website. Are you a monster, Daddy? I’m scared to be related to you.

Mommy says you love me more than anything. But Daddy, if you really love me, you’ll make this right. If you make your website go away, then maybe the world can be a nice place again! Please, Daddy, please make your website go away!

Make it stop, Daddy! Please turn it off! Please?

Okay, Daddy. I want you to think about what I’ve just said, and until you’re ready to make a change, I think it’s best you don’t contact me.

Goodbye, Daddy.

The original satire article was printed in the satire website The Onion

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